In the beginning of 2021, I decided I would choose a word to focus on for the year.
The word I chose was INTEGRITY and the definition of that word I chose to use was from Brené Brown (whom I adore).
“Integrity is choosing courage over comfort.” - Brené Brown
If integrity is choosing courage over comfort, then courage is doing what is right over what is easy.
When I chose the word INTEGRITY, I had not yet decided to leave my job.
I had not yet decided to sell our house.
I had not yet decided to leave most of what I know to do something my heart was calling me toward.
But I knew that something didn’t feel right.
I knew that I was not living as my best or favorite self.
I knew that focusing so much on external expectations was preventing me from living into my own power.
And so, my choosing to lean into a life of integrity required that I begin to tune in more deeply to what makes me comfortable and uncomfortable. I began to listen more deeply to what I needed and desired, rather than what the world wanted from me.
This process was hard, and continues to be. I continue to find moments of dissonance between what I think I want and what I actually want.
I think this has to do with how I’ve been raised and socialized. As a woman, I have been told time and time again that I cannot trust my own feelings, emotions, and intuition. I have been taught to question my desire, my hopes, and my own power. As a person with empathic tendencies, I have also spent my entire life absorbing the energy and anxiety of the people I know and serve. As a pastor, I have lived my life as a spiritual leader, guide, teacher, and counselor.
And all of this has piled and piled into a huge weight made up of a jumbled mess.
It is really difficult to piece apart what is my responsibility, what belongs to others, and what I want to carry forward.
I think this is true for many of us. This also has to do with the ways we define our identities, our roles, and our relationships. It can be easy to say that we should all follow our dreams and do what makes our heart sing, but there are other factors to consider. Like, paying bills, and rent, and medical care, and children and, and, and …
It seems that being an adult is somehow finding this balance between doing what we need to do and being who we want and need to BE.
And, along the journey it also involves stopping to ask what is aligned with our deepest values and what is not.
For me, this involved taking an inventory of the ways my life was made more full and beautiful and the ways it was feeling weighed down and blurred. This inventory included hard conversations with my professional coach, my spouse, and my colleagues and friends. It included ending some relationships that were no longer helping me reach my life goals of wellness and wholeness. It included reminding myself that I am a person first and a professional second; that there is only one me and I am the most important thing in my life.
So, I am in the process of choosing what is right over what is easy.
I am choosing to leave the familiar and journey out into the unknown.
I am choosing to lean into this space of curiosity in order to cull what feels genuine and good, and enter into the process of letting go of what no longer feels good.
And it is exhausting - in the best way possible.
I sometimes wish that I could go back and just continue to go through each day tackling whatever was in front of me. I sometimes wish I could just do what is expected, not ruffle any feathers, and do what people want from me. In my mind, that would be so much easier and I wouldn’t feel so concerned all the time.
But I am concerned.
I am concerned about myself and my family and my health and my wellness.
We often define concern as something rooted in anxiety. Most of the time (for me anyway) it is rooted in anxiety.
But I think there is a more expansive definition for concern.
For something to be of concern, it is also of importance. It is the area of focus - the focal point.
For something to be of concern, it is the place we are putting our energy and our intention.
And so, I am concerned.
I am concerned with myself and my health and my wellness and my family.
And that feels good, albeit exhausting and sometimes overwhelming.
Perhaps one of the most courageous things we can do with our lives is to be concerned with these things - the people and circumstances that mean the most to us.
Perhaps this is what it looks like to live a life of integrity:
To pause,
To breath deeply,
To tune into what our hearts are calling us toward,
To tune into what our hearts are inviting us to lay down and leave;
And to listen to what that calling asks of us.
Right now I am tuning in and what I hear involves a reset, a re-prioritization, and a need for concern with the people and things that bring me to my best self.
My hope for you, and for all of us, is that you take a moment each day to pause and reflect. Maybe it’s during your morning coffee, or right after dropping the kids at school or camp, or even in the shower. I invite you to consider: Where is life tugging you? When does that feel good and when does it feel burdensome? What do you need to lay down? What might you need to find a way to reset, to recharge, and to remind yourself that you are beautiful and wonderful just as you are?
And remember, you are enough.
Invitation to Deepening: How are you leaning into a life of integrity? How are you choosing courage over comfort?
Subscribe here for regular emails or share this reflection with a friend.